Over the last couple weeks, my husband and I have finalizing one of the bigger decisions for my son than we have faced so far. We are deciding if we are going to send my son to kindergarten according to the state guidelines, or hold him back one year.
In the state of Connecticut, where we live, the cutoff for entering school is January 1st. Technically, my son just makes the cutoff – he was born on December 30th. From my research on the Education Commission of the States (ECS), it looks like we are one of the latest cutoffs in the country. CT and Vermont have January Cutoffs, and the December cutoffs include District of Columbia, Michigan and the Virgin Islands. There has been a lot of talk in the political arena that CT would change the date of entering school, but with all the other major issues going on in our country and state, this one keeps getting pushed to the back burner.
Shortly after my son was born, my husband read the book Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. Much of what he read in the book about creating situations for success quickly made up his mind that we would hold my son back. Yes, he is the typical decision. One book, decision made, case closed.
Because male and female decision-making varies (at least it does in our house) – I have debated this over the last 3 1/2 years. Early on, I thought a lot about how the age factor would affect him later in life – he would be the last of his friends to get his license, to turn 21, and if we ever moved to another state where the cutoff was in September or October, he would be younger than the youngest child in his grade. I also wondered how he could be in the same position as his peers from other states to be learning the same topics. Someone born in South Dakota (cut off Sept 1st) on September 2nd would be almost one year and 4 months older than him, learning the same material. It just didn’t seem right to me that developmentally, it would all work out. Connecticut being so much later than everyone else left us in a difficult spot.
Now, I am able to put all the theoretical arguments aside, and look at my child. He is the first child, he is a boy, and I know, in my gut, that he is he will not be ready to go to kindergarten in a year. Academically and verbally, I am very proud of where he is, but I think emotionally, he has a little ways to go to catch up to some of his peers. I knew that if things changed, and he did need academic help later, my husband and I would be there to help him, or would ensure that he had the help that he needed. But at 4 ½ I feel like sending him to school, I am starting him behind the 8 ball, and short-changing him.
We sought advice from his current teacher, pediatrician, and I spoke to a lot of teachers that I knew. Most of them said the same thing that we were thinking– academically he is great, but the extra year to grow emotionally would be beneficial. A couple of people said, he would adjust or he could just repeat kindergarten if he had to, and I did have one person ask if I was “redshirting” him for sports. Um, no, I am pretty sure that my son is not going to be getting a college sports scholarship or playing in the pros someday…
While I would love to play the wait and see game, I realized that we had to make a decision sooner rather than later. He could enter a pre-K program in September or stay in preschool for an extra year. While this shouldn’t be a big deal, I looked at the differences between the programs. Pre-K programs had more academic time, a stricter time schedule and curriculum, and the focus (not surprisingly) was to ensure that students were ready to enter Kindergarten. There was also a big “graduation” at the end of the year, where the talk is about moving on to kindergarten. This would potentially confuse him quite a bit. The pre-school program was more focused on play, social relationships, and had more flexibility around the academic curriculum. Remaining in preschool would give him the opportunity to grow in the areas where I thought he could benefit most.
I wrote down every pro and con about the situation – and realized the pro’s were all about his future, and the cons were all about the situation now. My number one “con” was that he would be devastated seeing his friends in a pre-k class across the hall while he was still in preschool. The decision that I came to, ultimately, regardless of that big “con” was that he would repeat preschool this year, and he would be going to kindergarten a year later. I have second-guessed myself a million times, but that is what we are going with.
I know that this is mega-overdramatic, but I truly feel I like my husband and I are deciding how the rest of my son’s life is going to turn out with this one decision. . I am expecting the first couple weeks to be tough as he looks across the hall at his friends that he has been with in school for years, sitting in their pre-K classroom, but I am hopeful that it will work out…it has to, right?
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For what it’s worth, I think you made the right decision.
We’re so glad to not have to make this decision, our son (first born too) was born January 6 so the decision was made for him. From friends I talk to, they’re all making the same decision as you. Any boy I know from October on is waitin another year to start K.
You just have to follow y
Great decision!!!! I think u made the right choice:) go with your gut! U know your child better than anyone else!
You have obviously put a lot of thought into this decision – I am sure you made the right choice! It may be a little tough for him at the beginning of the school year, but if that is the case it will be temporary and I’m sure he’ll be fine once he makes some buddies in his preschool class. (Maybe you can schedule some extra play dates to help promote those new friendships?)
My oldest has an October b-day and when he was younger we tossed around the idea of private kindergarten so he could start early. But really, I think that was more for us than for him! Like your son, he was ready academically but not emotionally, so we decided to wait. I have seen a WORLD of difference in his maturity from last year to this year. He is totally ready to go to kindergarten this fall and very excited about it. All this to say that, in my experience, that year can make a HUGE difference. And time flies by so quickly – I am glad I’ve had this extra year with him at home, and will have that extra year with him in the house when he is 18.
My feeling on it is to go with your gut as you know your child better than anyone else! My husband and I are dealing with this decision as well. Our son’s birthday is December 24th. For a while my husband was determined to send him to Pre-K thinking that he would just repeat that if he wasn’t ready to go to Kindegarten at the end. I was completely opposed to this for many reasons. One, he is definitely not ready and two, it would be too confusing for him at the end of the year when all the kids leave to go to Kindegarten and he had to stay behind. I don’t want me son to have to repeat Kindegarten or another grade due to his immaturity or if he lacks in other areas. I had to repeat first grade because my parents started me too early and I remember it being tough to watch my friends move on while I stayed behing. This is not something I wanted to put my son through, which I think helped in our decision. After we thought about it and researched everything together we both came to the decision to hold our son in pre-school for one more year and start him a year later. I feel like we made the right decision for him.
It is definitely a tough decision. Abigail, because of her birthday missed the cut off anyways so I didnt get to make the tough decision. At first, I was mad because in my eyes I thought she was totally ready! She saw a lot of her friends go off to kindergarten without her. But, when she got to kindergarten, I realized how many kids were kept back because of the closeness to the cutoff andthere were older kids because of the cutoff. My sister in law kept both her kids that were born in August (cut off Sept 1st in MA) and doesnt regret it one bit.
Thanks for this post. This is something we’re already thinking about for our son and initially we thought to send him to private school so that we could start him early, but just about everyone we’ve spoken with has told us to hold him for the year and start him in kindergarten the following. It makes more and more send the more I hear and read about it.
We had the same decision to make, and it was so hard. Granted, maybe I made it harder on myself because I waffled so much! Like you, I had a child that was very ready academically (he was reading and writing at 4) but emotionally, he had a hard time and we decided that no matter how smart he was, if he couldn’t sit still and follow directions then he couldn’t learn so he did a year of pre-K, specifically for kids who were taking that extra year. He has now just finished kindergarten and he was way ahead of the other kids academically (like, in his own reading group ahead) but I think that emotionally he is where he needs to be. I will share that this year, in his K class, he was definitely not the only kid who took that extra year. In fact, there were at least 3 of them in his 19 person class, of course there were also at least 2 kids who started the year out at age 4. In the end it sounds like you made the right decision for your child, and that’s all you can do!
We’re in the same boat with our December 12th baby girl. Emotional maturity is a big factor for me. I am most concerned about the future & if she will she have the maturity to make tough decisions when it comes to peer pressure, dating, etc. I’d rather she be on the older end of her peer group. The only disadvantage I see is that she “may” initially be ahead of her peers academically, but I think the gap will close rather quickly. Plus, a good teacher should be able to differentiate and challenge all students. Convincing my husband, a Dec 24th baby, of theses arguments is the big challenge in our home! Time will tell!
I don’t think you’re being overdramatic at all — it’s a big decision and you clearly have your son’s best interests at heart. He’s lucky to have someone so thoughtful for a mom!
I think you’ve made a smart decision – and you’ve clearly thought it out. That’s the key. Making sure you’ve looked at it from all angles. I know several people who have made the decision to delay a year – particularly with boys – and none who have regretted it. But I definitely know people who have sent a child who wasn’t quite ready emotionally and behaviorally and then ended up repeating a grade, and I think repeating a school grade is harder than delaying the whole thing.
Stopping by from SITS!
I know exactly what you are going through! I have been in your shoes with both of my kids. My daughter missing the cut off by 1 month…and she was ready for school. My son meeting the cut off by 4 months. We did move from a Sept. 2nd cut off dist {my daughter} to a December 2nd cut off dist {my son}. My daughter is now going into 3rd grade and she should be in 4th here in the new district. She is bored-to-tears! {we are looking into testing her to move up one grade} My son is right where he should be {starting 1st grade in the fall}, but he was in class with kids who were held back, which put him at a disadvantage in Kinder. I don’t think the teacher expected as much from him since he was younger than most, so I don’t feel she pushed him as much as she should have. We have now put my son in tutoring so he can keep up with the kids that are a year{+} older than him. I still feel that he is in the right grade {he meets the cut off by 4 months!} BUT, since there are so many boys that are held back he is at a disadvantage.
All you can do is go with your gut…go with where you think your child will do the best. I know how you feel about it feeling like you are deciding your child’s fate…that is how I have felt with both of mine. I still think about it. I guess that is what makes us good moms! We care! Best of luck!!
I know exactly what you are going through! I have been in your shoes with both of my kids. My daughter missing the cut off by 1 month…and she was ready for school. My son meeting the cut off by 4 months. We did move from a Sept. 2nd cut off dist {my daughter} to a December 2nd cut off dist {my son}. My daughter is now going into 3rd grade and she should be in 4th here in the new district. She is bored-to-tears! {we are looking into testing her to move up one grade} My son is right where he should be {starting 1st grade in the fall}, but he was in class with kids who were held back, which put him at a disadvantage in Kinder. I don’t think the teacher expected as much from him since he was younger than most, so I don’t feel she pushed him as much as she should have. We have now put my son in tutoring so he can keep up with the kids that are a year{+} older than him. I still feel that he is in the right grade {he meets the cut off by 4 months!} BUT, since there are so many boys that are held back he is at a disadvantage.
All you can do is go with your gut…go with where you think your child will do the best. I know how you feel about it feeling like you are deciding your child’s fate…that is how I have felt with both of mine. I still think about it. I guess that is what makes us good moms! We care! Best of luck!!
Stopping in from SITS!
All, thank you so much for your comments, and support. It is such a hard decision, but as many of you said, you know your child best! Fingers crossed we didn’t screw this one up
[...] to hold him back a year, it was a bit of a strange day (You can read more about this decision on my RedShirting Post). We had a lot of discussions about why he was going to be in the class, that he would see his [...]
Oh, this decision is a tough one. There is a lot of second guessing. I think it sounds like a great decision (and just this summer Michigan the cut off date to sometime in October!). I like the way you went about making this decision. Great job mama.
I have a little girl who will be turning 5 in December but NC’s cut off is end of August. So she won’t go to school until next year…and that’s ok. Some of her peers started school this year, so we’ve had a lot of, “But I want to go to Kindergarten!!” this year. I could have found a private program to take her, and she would have thrived. But there is something about letting them being a kid that is special, too. Know that neither choice was wrong. As a parent, sometimes we have to make the best decision we can…sounds like you made the best for your little one!!
oh, and happy SITS day!
Having watched many good girlfriends go through this same struggle, I totally get what you are saying here. Honestly, you are making the right call, I believe.
Happy SITS day!
Thanks for this thoughtful post. School issues are so incredibly fraught. NYC also has a 12/31 cutoff and I have a 12/12 baby. It didn’t even occur to me until someone else with a 12/11 baby mentioned it.
I also appreciate the back and forth in your brain. It’s hard to know what the right thing to do is!
I remember being in your shoes, my friend. This was such a hard decision. My daughter would be 5 a few days after school started. There was no cutoff at the time, but her preschool teacher said she was not ready. I had already registered her for K at a Christian school. I talked to the school, and they met with my daughter, and said they thought she would be fine. The next few years were horrible! She was ready academically, but not emotionally, just as you said. She got in trouble all the time. My sweet little girl was sent to the principal’s office! By fourth grade, things got much better, but oh-my-word SITStah,it was rough! Here’s the problem, though; now, she is a junior in high school, and I can’t imagine her being with the kids that are sophomores. She’s right were she should be. My personal opinion? Pay attention in the first few years after K, and if he’s ready, see if you can move him up while it’s still relatively easy to do. He may really mature in those first few years, and in the lower grades, it’s pretty easy to bump him up if he’s ready. See? Your big decision isn’t one that you can’t change
Good luck, and Happy SITS Day! How fun!
I believe you made the right decision. According to an education class I took, holding back students only works when you hold them back in preschool. I know Pre-K is also preschool, but your son will know be above his class and not catching up. Good luck. Happy SITS Day, too.
A tough decision for sure. I hope that you still feel comfortable and happy with the one that you made.
Wishing you a wonderful SITS day!
Kerrie
http://www.familyfoodandtravel.com
Nice looking site!
That is a tough one…I too read “outliers” and it really changed my perspective of these “late-year” babies, of which my son is one (as am I…interesting to think about how these things affect you, as well!)
You absolutely made the right decision. I think you always know, even beyond the pro/con list, what is right for your kid. I empathize with the difficulty – I stressed majorly too.
Happy SITS day, you!
{Melinda} That is a tough call. I have had several friends who have held their boys back (and our cutoff here in Florida is August 1st, I believe) and not one has regretted it.
I think you’ve weighed your decision carefully and you know your boy better than anyone else. Rest easy, mama. But when it comes to our kids, that is nearly impossible isn’t it?
Hello fellow state of CT blogger
. Happy SITS day now let me tell you I feel your pain. I have 4 children. 13, 10, just turned 5, and 21 months. Guess what? I think you are just missing the change of the law in CT of start Kindergarten if you’re 5 by January 1st. Lucky you.
Now, did you catch the just turned 5 in my sharing of the ages of my children? Yeah, he would be my only son and he would be my only late in the year birthday. His birthday is November 1st. Mine is the day after and my brother has a December 29th birthday. This is important because I grew up in CT and I lived the youngest in school thing.
So I did fine. Started Kindergarten when I was 4. I handled things okay though, but hey some 25 years ago things were a lot easier, right? My brother, he stayed back in Kindergarten. He wasn’t emotionally mature enough yet. Was that a hindrance to him? Who knows.
My just turned 5 year old son, well lets just say I am already considering keeping him back. His teacher has a lot of concerns about him. He is behind his peers, he has a hard time sitting still and focusing in class. Do I regret my decision to send him to Kindergarten now? Absolutely not. It was a tough call. He had a rough go of it from the start of his life with delays. We put him into a 3 year old preschool program to help him with his delays even though he was cleared he was still borderline behind in his ability to do things physically. This was a free program run through the BOE and the next step was to move onto the 4 year old program which he did and then Kindergarten. I could have kept him out this year, but after 2 years of school how could I? He would have missed going. So I put him into Kindergarten knowing that he could stay back. Better now than later and at least he’s getting used to the school.
Now, let me tell you in comparison to his older sisters with April birthdays there is a huge difference in maturity here. That is his biggest hindrance is his maturity. My middle daughter struggled with the academic aspect of Kindergarten too much like her brother is, but it was different with her. She would sit and listen and pay attention. I wasn’t getting uncompleted work coming home with notes that instead of doing her work she was sticking crayons inside of glue sticks. Now mind you, he’s not considered a “bad” kid. He needs a lot of extra guidance and redirection though which is his maturity level. By June he might just click with it all. Heck, in 2 months I have already seen a pretty big difference in him, but I don’t know if it will be enough. It’s a very tough call, but if you do send him to Kindergarten and it doesn’t work out there’s no shame in keeping him back. Better now than later is my thoughts on it. CT needs to get with the times though with this whole 5 by January 1st business. Technically in CT they don’t have to have some sort of formal education until they are 7. Very old laws, might be time for a change.
this is a big decision, especially for December babies! Mine was born on December 29, and we had the same decision to make. Hubby wanted to get kiddo in ASAP, but we decided not to. She was, like yours, academically ready, but not socially. Plus, as my argument went, once they’re in school, that’s it…and I wanted her to have as much freedom as possible before that took over the next 14 years of her life. I’m glad we did it.
For the record, I don’t think you were over-dramatic – you thought it out, discussed it, and made your decision. There’s a lot that goes into it!
I think it is great that you spent so much time wrestling with this decision. My oldest has a summer birthday and we contemplated holding him, but elected to put him in Kinder as scheduled. My other son has a December birthday so he will be one of the oldest in his class. Both are doing well in school today, and I think we prepped them well to enter Kinder by sending them to a strong preschool. My youngest is 2 so we have a few years to decide, but if we elect to send her as scheduled, she’ll likely be one of the youngest in her class since she has a late summer birthday. The cutoff in California is moving to Sept. 1. I guess we just have to evaluate on a case-by-case basis and do what we think is best for our child. I feel your pain – I never want to put my kid at a disadvantage, but I’m sure we’ll make some mistakes along the way. Kids are resilient though.
Our cut off is August 31st. My son was born in June. I really should have held him back. It was a maturity thing. Decisions are different for every family and you know your own child cut off or no.
I believe another year a maturity never hurts a child when starting school. I believe you probably made the right choice. Good Luck!
What a tough decision to have to make. It sounds like you put A LOT of thought into it though. What it all comes down to is that you and your husband are the parents and you know what is best for your child regardless of the timelines put in place by the state. Good luck! =)
I have a handful of friends who have done the same thing, for most of the reasons you mentioned. All of these kiddos are now in 2nd grade and they are so thankful they let them do another year of kindy. Our district really pushes the kids, and those reading skills are crucial. I think the extra year really benefitted them all.
That is always such a big decision and really depends on the child! It will work out just fine. Trust me, there will be many other decisions down the road and I am sure that you made the right one for your son. Happy SITS Day!
It’s obvious that you have put a LOT of thought into this and have made the decision based on what is best for YOUR child.
We have made a similar (although opposite) decision to start our daughter early in kindergarten next year. Here she misses the cutoff by 7 days. For various reasons, we feel like making her wait another entire year is not what is best for her.
In the end, you have to do what you think is best for YOUR child. There is no blanket answer for every kid. And it sounds like you’ve done taken the time to look at the situation, think about it, and discuss to come up with the best answer for your fmaily. Kudos to you.
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It is a big decision, and I think you went about it the right way – weighing pros and cons and thinking about how it will affect him both now AND later. Personally, I think you made the right choice. That is a VERY late cutoff, and in most areas he would have been forced to wait till the next year anyway. My birthday is August 30th and the cutoff in my area was November 1, so I was on the younger side myself (there were a few kids with birthdays in Oct or Nov). When I moved away for college, I was still 17! I think it’s a lot easier to be a few months older than half the class than almost a year YOUNGER than most of the class.
So rest easy with your decision!
Trust in your mommy gut, it’s never wrong. Whatever decisions we make in parenting, we go with the info we have at the time and don’t look back!
I think you made a good decision. We have a few December babies in our family (including my Dad, who shares December 30 with your son) and it’s tough being the youngest in class. I read Outliers as well, and it’s pretty tough to argue with Gladwell’s conclusions. Have you read anything else by him? Blink is great, as well.
Happy SITS day!
This is always a tough decision, and I think you approached it perfectly. As a January baby (with the school deadline 12/31), I absolutely loved being one of the oldest kids. I think it helped me quite a bit socially and academically. My youngest son’s b-day is at the end of November (with the school deadline being 10/15), and I think he’ll also do well being one of the older kids.
Deep down, as a mom, you know the best decision for your child. I’m sure he’ll do great.
Happy SITS Day!
If you went with your gut because YOU know your kid–then you did the right thing. And as a teacher, I can honestly tell you that kids are resilient. He’ll be totally fine when it comes to making new friends. The relationships that kids have at 4 and 5, while necessary and cute, are fairly fickle and they can move on rather easily. Really! Don’t worry about it!!!
Great decision! My kids are grown, but we sent child #1 to school when she was on the younger side. 3 yrs later we held #2 off for a year. What a difference a year makes! The age/maturity issue caught up with #1 several years later and we chose to hold her back in 4th grade. After that, all was well. Don’t second guess yourself…I’m convinced you did the right thing.
Happy SITS day!
Thank you so much for posting your thoughts on this subject. I know it is so challenging and I KNOW you helped others think through the process.
Have a blessed week!
I think you made the right decision. My son’s birthday misses the cutoff by days, and I’m grateful that he’ll be one of the oldest when he goes to 4 year old kindergarten next year. Not for any reason except that he needs that… I would have kept him out if his birthday had been a few days the other direction.
My second son has a June birthday, so he’ll be youngish, but not extreme. I haven’t decided yet what we’ll do with him, but being the second, I have a feeling he’ll be dead ready to go to Kindergarten and not want to be out waiting for another year.
My daughter’s birthday was 5 days after the (Sept. 30th) cutoff here. There was some talk from people in similar situations of sending their kids to private school for a year and then switching to public the next year for first grade. Not that it was ever a viable option for us, but I’m glad I didn’t do it that way. She is on the small size, so she doesn’t stick out physically from her peers; and the extra year of maturity is already paying off by 3rd grade. I imagine I will be more thankful for it as she gets older.
When I was in school I was very active and they wanted to hold me back. They ended up sending me to pre first after kindergarten then 1st. My mom thinks it was the best decision. I did very well in school after that
Boy it can be tough making decisions where our kids are concerned, huh?!? Happy SITS day!